|Posted on January 2, 2015 at 11:14 AM||comments (66)|
It's been a while since I wrote a blog. Feeling rusty today. It's officially 2015. The holiday trappings are all put away in storage, ready for next year. So much ahead. Trying to stay in the moment.
I'd like to set an intention for myself. I read somewhere that the components of effective meditation were the following: intention, attention and non judgment. A little mixology here, mixing some 12 steps in with meditation, but I do believe also "what you focus on grows". So, I am completely in on the idea that my direction is determined by where I put my energy. In fact, I have experienced this in my life. Each time there has a purposeful change in focus, it has felt like a miracle. Transformation. Suddenly, the picture of the hag is gone, and there is instead of beautiful new picture full of promise, and due diligence. (always that accountability piece, the thing I must do differently).
My intention this year is love. I have focused on peace for so many years and in many ways have found my way there enough times that there now is a well worn groove in my brain for that path. I don't always land first on the path. Sometimes I still land in fear, where there is no real threat, and therefore, no real solution. But when I land in that place, I know the feeling of sinking, of chaos, and I am grateful for it. I then am able to find my way back to peace.
So a quick review of the last year first. I learned so much about myself and peace. I was fortified more than ever in the idea that knowing my own reactions and regulating them, is the only valid and consistent path to peace. In my consultation group, this was reinforced on several different occasions. It was very hard work. It was emotional and painful. It wasn't a "breeze" and I am learning to embrace the struggle. The more I embrace the struggle, the less aware of the struggle I am.
Now to love. In the last year, I have really come to the conclusion, that I cannot have inner peace without recognizing fully the pain and opposition in my relationship with food and my body. I have always known this and have had this awareness many times, but this last year has produced real changes in my behavior and my thinking. In the last year, there has been a big shift in my paradigm on this one. My continued mindfulness of whether or not I am interacting with my body in a loving way, has proven to be very effective in decreasing my hunger, increasing my love of healthy whole foods, becoming more of aware of my desire to move.
I have realized in the last few months, how the last 20 years have been a re enactment of my life with PTSD. It created a huge block between me and my body, that I thought I had resolved during my early 30's. During that time, I had lost over a hundred pounds. Exercised daily and felt so alive. Every time, I have gone through something traumatic, my relationship with alcoholism, my relationship with men, my relationship with exes, my relationship with illness. Ugh...so much of my same patterns to sludge through. But truth is I have made lots of progress over the years. There is peace in my life. I can find that path now, when I need it. And for that I am grateful.
Turning to love. Now it's time for me to focus on loving. Loving intentions and loving actions. My focus for this year is on mindfulness and accountability. Matching my behavior with my words. This has popped into awareness and clarity in my focus on peace. So this year, here's to love.
It's changing how I eat, my appetite, what I am hungry for, and how I move. I crave water (meaning I am now aware of thirst and can separate it from hunger). I am trying to make sure that I have clean water, and healthy foods at work. (nuts, fruits, oatmeal) I bought a gym membership. Things have changed and will continue to change. Oh, and I have lost about 40 lbs. One day at a time, non judgmentally. That is how I am doing this. I recoil at the "old ways" and I will have to watch my judgments. I slip too, and it has taken a long time for me to see what I see today. I see them and see me and I get irritated sometimes. I want to believe in magic cures, or fragmented truths, the security of black and white thinking. I am tempted by the "old world ways". Instead though, I radically accept most of the time, the truths about food. Consciousness has occurred. I am conscious and fully awake with food today, one day at a time. And if I string together enough days to actually lose more weight, then this is what will happen. If not, I know that every day, every minute that I am mindful, is going to be more effective, than my unconsciousness. And so I move forward in consciousness and love to myself...and making decision about food that are loving to me, to the family and to the universe.
So, good bye to diets, and black and white thinking around food. I am going to continue on my path to apply a non judgmental stance, attention on love, and mindfulness of this interplay over the next year.
I am grateful for any and all changes in this regard. God is truth and the truth will set me free.
Love to all of you who might read this. Hope you will love yourself and examine the dark corners of your mind for areas to shine a light. Hope you will shine that light without fear of shame. Hope if shame exists you will know what to do with it, what to make of it. Hope you will focus on effectiveness over shame (that binds you). Hope that you will move with the spirit in truth and fly on the wings of peace that have been provided through the course of existence. Paths that have existed for literally thousands of years. Love and peace to you all as we embark on the next year.
|Posted on September 28, 2012 at 10:14 AM||comments (22)|
There was a time in my life, when I would have told you with certainty that my husband did not love me. I would have told you that he was not capable of love. I would have told you that my situation was hopeless because I could not stop loving someone who did not appear to love me.
This was an illusion. It was never true. It was me who felt unable to love. It was me who felt that I could not be loved. It was only as I worked my DBT skills that I started to realize that this was a lie. It was a judgment, a story that had become my reality.
For whatever reasons, when I was young, I decided that I was not lovable. I decided that I was too obnoxious, spoiled, selfish, self centered and sad to be loved. I could prove it by the fact that I was certain that my brother was more loved than I. I could prove it by my parents anger at me when I couldn't do my math. I could prove it by my siblings anger at me. I could prove it by the difficulties that crossed my path as a teenager. I began collecting the evidence that would support my story.
On it went. The first husband who worked all the time. This was clear evidence that I would not be loved. Then falling in love with my current husband, an alcoholic was proof that I could not be loved. It seemed so obviously true. So solidly true. I just kept collecting that information that would support my thesis and I could not see beyond my "story".
Until, I learned more about how to practice a non judgmental stance. As I began to question my "story". I realized that it could not be a fact. It could not be true. And as I changed my story, my life changed with it.
This morning, my husband was on his way to work. He came over to kiss me good bye. We held each other and he rubbed his cheek against mine. He said "I love you. You are a good woman to put up with someone like me. You are beautiful". This would not have happened 15 years ago. If he said it, I would not have heard it, or appreciated it or "felt it". Today. I felt it. I felt grateful and loved. Not because of him, but because I removed the obstacles that would keep me from love.
|Posted on September 22, 2012 at 5:26 PM||comments (29)|
If someone loves you, it is about them. If someone hates you, it is about them. It's so tempting to believe that the love or admiration of others somehow defines who we really are in the world. We may believe that the love or affection of others makes us smart, beautiful and important.
Imagine all the time and energy we have put into impressing others so that we can feel loved or important. Imagine instead what would happen if we re-directed that energy to building a better life and focused instead on meeting our intensions?